"Let`s talk about sex baby, Let`s talk about you and me
Let`s talk about all the good things, And the bad things that may be.."

Salt'n'Pepa back in 1991

How to Talk About Desire: Unlocking the Secrets of Sexual Communication

We’ve all been there: lying in bed next to your partner, running through a mental list of things you wish you could say about your sex life but aren’t sure how to. Maybe you’ve got fantasies you’re nervous to share, or maybe you just want to be able to say, “Hey, could we try this instead?” without feeling like you’re launching into a TED Talk.

Trust us—you’re not alone. Women everywhere are searching for advice on how to navigate these conversations, looking for real, relatable ways to feel more connected and confident. The discomfort many women feel around discussing sex with their partners has deep historical and cultural roots. For centuries, societal norms and religious influences promoted the idea that women should be modest, chaste, and subservient, often framing female sexuality as taboo or something to be controlled. In many cultures, women were expected to prioritize male pleasure while their own desires and needs were ignored or stigmatized. This lack of open dialogue around female pleasure contributed to generational silence and shame surrounding sexual expression. Time to leave that behind us, ladies, it's not part of us anymore.

Why Talking About Desire Is So Important

Let's be real: Sex is about more than just the physical stuff. It’s about feeling seen, loved, and celebrated. And here’s the thing—discussing sex and desire doesn’t kill the mood; it supercharges it. The more you talk, the more connected and in sync you become. Relationship coach Dr. Anneke van Loon says it best: “When partners can openly talk about their wants and needs, they create a foundation of trust and intimacy that makes everything in the bedroom—and beyond—more fulfilling.” See? It’s like a life hack for your love life.

How to Start the Conversation (Without Feeling Awkward AF)

We get it—talking about sex can feel intimidating. But it doesn’t have to be. Here’s how to ease into it:

1. Pick Your Moment: Timing is everything, babe. Choose a moment when you’re both chill, like during a lazy Sunday morning cuddle or while sipping wine on the couch. Avoid jumping into it right after sex; it might feel like instant feedback and leave you both feeling vulnerable in the wrong way.
2. Keep It About You: Instead of saying, “I wish you’d do this differently,” flip it to, “I’d love to try this because it makes me feel amazing.” It’s all about sharing what lights you up. Think of it as inviting your partner into your pleasure, not critiquing what’s happening now.
3. Bring the Positivity: Make it feel like an adventure you’re going on together. It’s not about past misfires or unmet expectations; it’s about what you can explore and discover together.

Desire as an Adventure: Let’s Make It Fun

Talking about sex doesn’t have to feel like a serious therapy session. Think of it as a playful exploration. Here are a few ways to keep things exciting and lighthearted:

• Create a Yes/No/Maybe List: Pour some wine, grab a pen, and make this a fun date night activity. Jot down fantasies or ideas and rate them as a “yes,” “no,” or “maybe.” You might be surprised at the overlaps—and it’s a great way to laugh and bond.
• Swap Sexy Stories: If talking about what turns you on feels too direct, share an erotic story or scene from a movie that gets you going. It’s a subtle way to hint at what you’d like to try and spark inspiration for both of you.
• Weekly Desire Check-In: Okay, hear us out—this doesn’t have to be as formal as it sounds. Just a quick, casual moment where you ask each other, “How are things feeling? Anything new you’d like to try?” It’s like checking in with your BFF, but spicier.

The Magic of Open Communication

Here’s where it gets good: The more you talk about your desires, the closer you feel. It’s not just about improving your sex life; it’s about understanding each other in a deeper, more intuitive way. It’s like learning a secret language that only the two of you share. Intimacy expert Saskia de Ruiter calls it “building a bridge between your heart and your desires.” Deep, right? But also totally true.

If It Gets Uncomfortable (Because It Might)

We’ve all been there—saying something vulnerable and then wanting to hide under the covers forever. It’s okay if it feels awkward. You’re human! Laugh it off, take a deep breath, and know that vulnerability is what makes relationships stronger. If words fail you, try writing a note or sending a playful text to get the ball rolling.

Resources for Your Sexual Wellness Journey

Looking for a little more guidance? We’ve got you. Here are some gems to keep exploring:

• Books We Love: “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski is a must-read for anyone who wants to understand desire and how to talk about it.
• Podcasts to Perk Up Your Ears: The Pleasure Podcast offers real, relatable conversations about sex, desire, and all the awkward bits in between.
• Workshops for the Brave: Couples’ intimacy workshops can be a game-changer. It’s like a crash course in communication with a side of sexy.

At the end of the day, sexual communication is all about being brave, curious, and true to yourself. Your desires matter, and the right partner will want to hear them. So take a deep breath, start that conversation, and remember: This journey is all about celebrating what makes you feel alive, playful, and deeply connected. You’ve got this, and we’re cheering you on every step of the way.